Cracking the Teacher Conference Code

November 5, 2015 / DeeDeeFilly / Leave a comment

I wrote this handy guide about parent-teacher conferences last fall, trying to translate nicety-nice teacher-speak into the STRAIGHT DOPE for parents. So if it’s your turn at the conference table, good luck, my friend, godspeed, and…I hate to break it to ya, but here’s what those nice teachers are REALLY trying to tell you. (Someone needed to say it, so I guess it’ll have to be me…).

Tales from the Crib

It’s parent-teacher conference season — that hap-hap-happy time when we get slapped in the face with all our finest parental failings.

I’m a big fan of all my kids’ teachers. They seem to be smart, lovely people who aren’t paid enough for their troubles.

But I will say this about teachers. Whether they’re trying to spare our feelings or avoid coming off like a total jerk: they talk in code.

So I’m going to be your sassy, straight-talking friend here (picture Jackée) and translate “nice teacher” into “plain English” for you. Here’s my go-to glossary of Teacher Conference Code Words and exactly what I think they mean.

Teacher Code Word #1: “Energetic” – Will’s homeroom teacher laid this one on me last week, stammering, “Ohhhh, Will’s my ENERGETIC little one in the mornings!” Come on, people. I am not deceived. We all know this is doublespeak for “spastic,” “bouncing off the walls,” or maybe even, “Please, I beg of you, ask your doctor…

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“You Out of Boxes Yet?” and Other Touchy Subjects

May 14, 2015May 14, 2015 / DeeDeeFilly / 10 Comments

Please forgive the dust bunnies in my hair. I’ve just clawed my way out from underneath a towering mound of boxes.

We are currently using these boxes as BLINDS.

The boxes here are heavy and plentiful and they’ve had me surrounded for weeks.

For a while, I wasn’t sure I’d ever dig my way out. But I’m starting to see glimmers of light peeking through the piles. I finally unearthed my jewelry box and my mouse pad.

Friends, there is hope.

In case you haven’t heard (I’ve been off the grid a while), we just moved from one house to another a whopping five minutes away. I swear, it might as well have been the moon.

The act of miraculously containing every single, solitary, dad-blasted thing in one’s possession (from mango chutney to pet rabbit) then lugging every last scrap of it bodily somewhere else then cleaning up the slovenly dust bowl left behind is soul-crushingly, ridiculously hard. I mean, it just is. (Props to you military families. Seriously.)

I’ve heard moving is like childbirth.

That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration. I mean, the new house doesn’t scream at all hours like my newborn did, and in the aftermath, I don’t have to do ungodly things with a squirt bottle. But I can definitely see the parallel.

Moving is painful and messy and exhausting and all your embarrassing bits are revealed (like when you move that armoire you haven’t touched in 14 years and find a shag carpet of lint underneath.) There’s all the back-breaking build-up, that huge push to the finish line, followed by a mind-numbing wave of the “What now’s?”

Here’s the room where random boxes go to die. It is now a fort. Making chicken salad out of…well…you know.

But now that we’re here and settling in and finding room for a metric ton of stuffed animals, it’s totally worth it.

We love it here. We love the way the sun lights up the dining nook. We love all the neighborhood girls who come over and spill bubbles on our porch floor and ride plasma cars down our hill. We love the sense of new life beginning. It’s palpable…like that new baby smell.

Maybe years from now, I’ll forget how painful it was to get here and I’ll be ready to do it all over again.

NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

Let’s just put it in the books right now; somebody’s gonna need to bury me in the backyard. I’m here now, and I’m not leaving.

I’ve thrown away my KitchenAid box to prove it.

Don’t mess. This girl has a power tool – and she knows how to use it. Sort of.

So let’s go ahead and make a pact. Until at least 2019, don’t even bother to ask, “Are you out of boxes yet?” The answer will be NO.

The boxes are here to stay. And so am I.

If These Floppy Discs Could Talk

March 10, 2015March 11, 2015 / DeeDeeFilly / 2 Comments

Moving is a beast. And technically, I haven’t even started. Not even the first box.

Next month or so, we’re moving. Not to anyplace radical like the mission field or our own private island. It’s just that after all these many happy years of renting, we are so ridiculously on top of each other and we somehow found a house where we can be a little less so without ending up in debtor’s prison.

The new pad is just down the road, but still, it’s not close enough that we’re be able to just take our current house, turn it upside down, and funnel its contents down through our new kitchen skylight.

There is packing to be done. SO MUCH PACKING.

But first there is purging to be done. SO MUCH PURGING.

The past few weeks have been like an archeological dig through our basement and the scary back corners of closets. Weird treasures have been unearthed, things that made me go, “NOOOOOO. WAYYYYYYY.”

Like these giggly recordings of my friends and I doing a grave injustice to the Georgia Satellites in one of those amusement park sound booths. (I’m looking at YOU, Allison Oliverius and Lynn Lyons.)

Then there have been cringe-worthy discoveries that made me go, “UGH, GO AWAY. (And NEVER EVER EVER EVER come back.)”

Y’all. I found my old BREAST PUMP. This is too ICK for words. Consider that lady business deep-sixed.

There have been more than their share of discoveries that have long outlived their usefulness. But still, somehow, I can’t part with them. I mean, please.

My favorite Umbro’s and (ahem) O’Doul’s cozy from college? Maybe I’ll start wearing these shorts around the new neighborhood and see if they’re impressed by the new gal’s youthful verve and fat knees.

But can we talk about all the cords??? OH. MY. LORD. The cords. They’re like intestines. They go on for MILES.

Nobody has the slightest idea where all these cords lead, but I’m guessing the county dump.

Some of these unearthed relics have been objects of great fascination and endless amusement for my children. Data stored via VHS TAPE or FLOPPY DISC? Tell us more about that abacus, Grandma! Oh, do regale us with tales of butter-churning!

I’m scared to throw these away because there is actually cool stuff on these floppies of yore. So if anyone has an old Commodore 64 or a giant ’80s era War Games computer lying around, let me know. Actually, DON’T. That kind of defeats the whole purpose here.

What’s a little harder to grapple with is all my kids’ stuff.

If I try to inch ONE PRECIOUS THING of Lucy’s toward the Goodwill box (be it oversized stuffed Minnie Mouse or tiny Happy Meal toy), she will surely throw herself in front of the moving van in protest.

This is one of the only things she gave away without drama. Not so long ago, Lucy called this her “American Girl Doll.” Cindy, we hardly knew you. I know I’m a sap, but this one kind of gets to me.

Overall, though, I have been able to part with very little of the girl’s loot (that she knows about anyway…).

Shhhhh. I’m trying to figure out how to sneak these uggo Trash Packs out of here.

Will is the less sentimental of the two. Last weekend, he pored through all his old toy boxes with me and saved almost nothing. If the item was not stamped with the word “Lego,” it pretty much got the axe. That means all the Matchbox cars, all the superhero stuff, all the old construction trucks, all the evidences of a little boy life well lived…well, they’re old news.

Anakin–who we all know struggles with rage issues–won’t look me in the eye.

Something about that makes me very sad. Twenty pounds lighter, yes, but also sad.

Moving is all about transition. A big one and a very literal one. One where we get pulled up by the roots we’ve set down, shake off all those old dirt clumps and the hangers-on, and get plunked–fresh and clean–into a new spot where hopefully those roots grow strong and deep all over again.

This purging part of the process (the “shaking off the clumps” part) is good and healthy and liberating and parts of me love it. Oh, but parts of me fear it.

I’m afraid of cutting too close to the bone and regretting the things I parted with. I’m afraid of admitting that some things from our past are in the past to stay. I’m afraid to close the book on little kid childhood.

And I’m afraid to part with stuff like this:

Will made this “sculpture” in art class out of “found objects” and was really proud of it. Did I mention it’s also really large? I am literally afraid to part with it because I will totally get busted.

Until I figure out what to do with that thing, I’ll keep chipping away at all the remaining mounds upon mounds of crap we’ve amassed over the years — like this.

FREE TO A GOOD, MORE MUSICAL, & MORE STUDIOUS HOME THAN OURS: Recorder CD, never opened.

Among other things, our days of dreaming of being “a recorder star” are far behind us.

That’s one relic of a bygone era that I will not mourn.

“Snow” is a Four-Letter Word

February 20, 2015February 20, 2015 / DeeDeeFilly / Leave a comment

I come to you today in a snow-induced stupor.

Like my car battery, this old brain is cold and sluggish and can only turn over one single, solitary thought:

WINTER NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I mean, I totally get snowbirds now. Those old farts are geniuses.

In honor of reaching my annual winter tipping point, here’s a column I wrote about hitting that wall a few winters back (on February 3, 2011 to be exact).

I think we’re all there — and then some. Let’s have a good wintry wallow. You know you want to.

I can still remember a time–and it wasn’t too many moons ago–when nothing could stir my heart with gladness more than two little words:

SNOW. DAY.

It was one of childhood’s greatest joys–the out-of-nowhere, mid-winter reprieve from pencils, books, and teacher’s dirty looks.

There would be snow angels. There would be cocoa with faux marshmallow bits. There would be happy snowsuit romping ’til our frostbitten extremities fell off.

This was our first snow this winter — back when grass was still within scraping distance and it was still “fun.”

Like every kid who ever survived those days of unattended downhill sledding too close to car fenders and privet hedges, this was the stuff I lived for in the big boring middle of winter.

Now I’m pretty sure all these blankety-blank snow days are gonna be the slow and painful death of me.

The very sound of my phone ringing at 5 a.m., the very sight of the school on my Caller ID, the very utterance of the words “snow day” makes every part of my face contort–jaws locked, lips pursed, nostrils flared, eyes rolled back in my head.

With this constant “wintry mix” onslaught, my face could literally freeze this way.

Granted, I’m a Southern girl, and we embrace the white stuff in small doses. Like in centimeters.

We think it’s pretty for a while. We think it’s fun to make that first (and hopefully last) snowman. Then we all agree: it needs to go away.

Even beyond my cultural limitations, I’ve got this pesky thing on my desk called a “calendar.” It’s filled with hilarious little words like “plans” and “deadlines” that don’t go away no matter how much precip falls from the sky or how many children are suddenly underfoot.

So as much as I’d love to be that mom who smiles like a lunatic at the words “snow day” and whips out the cookie sheets, I’ll admit it. I’m the grouchy mom who drags around the house in her bathrobe, muttering and shooting my kids the stink eye.

I’m starting to worry that the loony Ally Sheedy character from The Breakfast Club might be right. (Not about making more snow with your own dandruff; we’re all set, thanks). But about that thing she said through tears and layers of heavy black eyeliner.

“When you grow up, your heart dies.”

It seemed a tad melodramatic at the time, but is that what’s happened to me? Am I just a jaded old hag without a drop of childlike wonder left in me?

Because when I look out the window at a winter wonderland, I don’t exactly whoop with joy anymore. I sigh with pained inconvenience.

I don’t dream of catching snowflakes on my tongue; I grouse about wet boots trudging all over my carpet.

I don’t get out there and throw snowballs; I plunk the kids down in front of a screen.

See? Have Wii controllers, will travel.

I’m officially old. And a crank. And my feet are never not cold.

Somebody needs to launch into a pep talk quick–maybe one that says if life gives you lemons, make lemonade…or to be more au courant, if life gives you snow piles taller than your first-born, make snow cream.

That’s what my mom did, and she was probably sick of snow days too.

Sigh. I guess we might as well do something.

We’re stuck here with nothing else to do, and Lord knows we’re stocked up on milk.

Help Wanted: Wise-crackin’ Yard Bird Wrangler

January 31, 2015January 31, 2015 / DeeDeeFilly / 2 Comments

We are inspiring our children to greatness around here.

Here’s how I know.

Lucy informed us last night, “I’m going to be a comedian when I grow up.” (I’ve apparently screwed her up sufficiently.)

“Or….” she hedges… “a chicken hypnotist.”

Hmmmmm. Not sure what that is, but I’m thinking those jobs might call for very similar skill sets.

That girl’s going places…the barnyard maybe, but still.

It’s a place.

Rocking the bus stop like Brian Boitano

January 23, 2015January 23, 2015 / DeeDeeFilly / 1 Comment

I just bought new lipstick, which I clearly haven’t bothered to wear in WAY TOO LONG.

I know this because my kid says to me (with something akin to utter shock): “You have on lipstick today! You look like an ice skater!”

Ummmm…not sure what that means. But weirdly enough, after digging a little deeper, I think she meant “glamorous,” like I was some kind of tarted-up Tonya Harding.

I’ve decided my next additions to the bus stop wardrobe must henceforth be (from top to bottom): 1) lacquered bun pulled so tight it provides a free face lift; 2) plunging neckline with skin-toned webbing bedazzled with Swarovski crystals; 3) head to toe body glitter; 4) preternaturally dark suntan hose.

(I will still wear duck boots.)

This could be the start of a whole new “ice skater” me — a transformation of Olympic proportions.

And to think it all began with a little gloss called “Blushing Nude.” I sure hope the Romanian judges approve.

Wishing and Hoping and Swabbing and Praying

December 19, 2014December 19, 2014 / DeeDeeFilly / 2 Comments

I made this photo my Facebook profile, and my funniest smart-alecky friend said:

“All I thought when I first saw it was…Home Pap Schmear Test.”

Ummmm, no. (Although wouldn’t that be fantastic if such a thing existed??)

Nope, this is one big long Q-tip in a packet of four that did unmentionable things to the inside of my mouth.

Getting screened for the national bone marrow registry is GRUELING, let me just tell y’all. After that 40 seconds of vigorous swabbing, I think I need a carpal tunnel wrist bandage and maybe counseling for PTSD. It is a lot for one lazy middle-aged person to be forced to endure.

I don’t know HOW I got through it.

Seriously, it is the easiest thing ever. The hardest part was filling out the dang paperwork, which required me to somehow recall my work phone number and my next of kin’s address.

It’s possible I made some stuff up.

After the forms were done, someone chatted with me about what happens if I’m a match. You can read all about it at bethematch.com – but I’d sum it up with two words: NO BIGGIE.

As the gal was explaining the process, I thought, “Man, what a cheese-eating wimp I’d have to be if I couldn’t do that little bit of nothing — especially after all Madeline has gone through.”

Madeline Guarraia is who this whole bone marrow registry shebang was for. She’s pretty much the sweetest little girl on planet Earth (and at my daughter’s school).

As precious as that angel face is, this tough customer has already punched cancer in the throat once before. But the family just found out there’s a whole new type of cancer inside her yet to fight. It’s the most heart-breaking thing, and somehow the most inspiring. Good thing this kid has heart and awesomeness to spare.

So this community is going nuts trying to do something, anything, to help. And even amidst all the amazing banners and videos and fundraisers, what she needs most is a match.

So bone marrow registries are cropping up all over. And YOU SHOULD GO.

Here’s a list of some around this neck of the woods:

TODAY! 4-7 p.m. at Oswegatchie School in Waterford, CT
Dec 22 from 5-7 p.m. Jamestown Rec Center, Jamestown, RI
Dec 22 from 2-6 p.m. Voluntown Elementary School, Voluntown, CT
Dec 28 from 9 a.m. – 2 p.m. St. George Catholic Church in Guilford, CT

You’ll even have fun and meet nice people like us.

One of the perils of being friends with me — your picture on here. Thanks Judy and Rebecca!

If you can’t get there, oh ye of California or Latin America (two people apparently read my blog in Brazil yesterday!?), click on this link. They’ll drop a packet in your mailbox so you can swab away in the privacy of YOUR OWN HOME. Just stick those nappy q-tips back in the mail with that delinquent stack of Christmas cards and call it a day.

Christmas is a crazy time. We’re all scurrying around with the last-minute shopping and the teacher gifts and the office parties. But if you only cross off one more to-do on your list this Christmas, DO THIS.

If you only give one more gift this year (besides Dr. Dre Beats), GIVE THIS.

You’ll get bumped to the top of the Nice List for sure.

And Madeline might just get what’s topping her list too.

Roar, Little Tiger, Roar

December 12, 2014December 12, 2014 / DeeDeeFilly / Leave a comment

Two Christmases ago, the great big sadness was Newtown. This Christmas, for me and our town, it’s Madeline.

Back in 2012, with the news from Sandy Hook ringing in my ears, I couldn’t hear a Christmas carol or stir cookie batter without breaking down into tears. (Our cookies were extra salty that year.)

What had happened was horrifying enough, but the fact that it happened at Christmastime….well, that made it unbearable somehow.

This Christmas I keep crying into the cookie dough when I think about Madeline.

If you’re local, you know this face and love it already.

Photo credit: Madeline Guarraia’s GoFundMe page

This face breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I see it. Every time. Even as I type right now. Waterworks.

Her name is Madeline Guarraia, a third-grader at my daughter’s school. Just last week, her parents took her to the doctor with headaches and got sucker-punched with the news that she has leukemia.

Again.

For four and a half long years of her little life, Madeline had fought cancer like a tenacious ninja warrior princess til she’d finally whipped it into remission in October 2013.

Her life was full of all these wonderfully normal things, like going to school and having best friends and taking dance lessons and drawing animal pictures.

I just found these pictures I’d taken of Madeline’s art class back in 2013. Happy. Normal. Drawing puppies.

Now a new cancer has returned to that little body that’s gone through so much, and “devastating” seems too small a word.

I don’t know this family personally. I just know their faces — especially Madeline’s, because who couldn’t see that smile and not squint from all the sunbeams?

But as part of our little school family, what this family is going through feels very very close. And to have a daughter that age…well, I can’t even let my mind go there.

So I pray a lot. And I wonder, what can I do? Really, actively, do to help. I mean, I’ve been blown away by all the cool things folks around here are dreaming up to do for this family.

There are already three bone marrow drives set up for next week. Two days ago, a $15,000 GoFundMe goal for Madeline was set; $20,000+ is already in the can. Plus, the gym teacher got duct taped to the wall today to raise money. That’s pulling out all the stops.

Ms. Deeb rocks. Photo credit: Lilllie B. Haynes Parents Facebook page.

I started feeling quite helpless when it dawned on me. I have a blog. It’s not the Huffington Post or anything, but it’s something. And if one person reads this and goes to get that cheek swabbed, and it’s the match for Madeline (or any other sick kid), well, that’s big enough. So here’s the skinny on the bone marrow drives:

3 to 6:30 pm. Monday, Dec. 15, at the Waterford Town Hall, 15 Rope Ferry Rd.
10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Thursday, Dec. 18 at Lillie B Haynes Elementary, 29 Society Rd., Niantic
4 to 7 p.m. Friday, Dec. 19 at Oswegatchie Elementary School, 470 Boston Post Rd., in Waterford

If you can’t be there in person, an online drive has been set up for Madeline at the Rhode island Blood Center’s website. (Just use the code SWAB4MADELINE). Then there’s her GoFundMe page. You can follow her new Mad about Madeline Facebook page. And you can send her mail (P.S. She really likes tigers).

Madeline’s mom says there will be round after round of intensive chemo until it’s in remission. They’ll be in that hospital room ’til that happens. (For anyone who’s spent more than five minutes in a hospital room, that sounds horrendous – especially at Christmas. So they could definitely use some good cheer.)

Lucy made a tiger picture (Madeline’s favorite animal). You can send mail to plaster the walls of Madeline’s hospital room to: Yale New Haven Hospital, 20 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 — 73 Hem-Oncology Unit

And of course, they can use all the prayers we can muster.

All I know is this: God is good. All the time.

Madeline must know that too, because despite her heartbreaking circumstances, she asked to be baptized in her hospital room yesterday.

What a precious girl. I don’t even know her, but I feel like I’d give her my right arm if she needed it.

Photo credit: Guarraia family from the Mad about Madeline Facebook page

At Christmastime, news like this can sure take the wind out of our sails — and the Fa La La La La out of our hall decking.

But then again, Christmas is a time of miracles– like that humdinger of a miracle that lit up the whole world 2,000 years ago.

I’m praying for another one this Christmas.

And this one’s got Madeline’s name all over it.

Roar, Madeline. ROAR.

Day 31 – Allow Me to Introduce…the Jack-o-Lantern

October 31, 2014October 31, 2014 / DeeDeeFilly / Leave a comment

It’s Halloween, and I’ve got a spooky hot crafting tip you won’t read anywhere else.

I mean, this is going to blow Pinterest’s mind.

On this final day of my 31 Days of Fun/Funny/Funtastic Stuff for Families, get ready for a truly grand finale…the ultimate DIY upcycling idea of the millennium.

Okay, here goes:

Step 1: Get a pumpkin from the big cardboard box at Stop & Shop.

Step 2: Carve a hole in the top and scoop out the guts. (Don’t pout about it like my preteen son. Man up.)

Step 3: Carve eyes and a scary smile into it. Stick a lit candle in there.

Voila. This is what’s called in certain cultures…a JACK-O-LANTERN.

Have you ever?? Don’t you want one?

I could’ve kept this light hidden under a bushel, metaphorically speaking…but I’m a giver. And that’s what this 31 Day challenge has been all about – reaching out to you with awesome sauce ideas that will rock your family’s world.

And trust me, this jack-o-lantern thing is a big deal.

It’s particularly trending in big cities – like Providence, for example. That’s where I got the idea.

Maybe you’ve heard of it, but they’ve got this whole Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular at Roger Williams Zoo (there’s still time – it ends Nov. 2) with about a billion of these carved creations all over the place.

It’s definitely worth the trip.

Now personally, I’d avoid weekends at this pumpkin-palooza, because people seem pretty amped about this new pumpkin sensation.

But we went mid-week, and the crowd wasn’t too nuts. (Except for those people taking pictures of all 5,000 pumpkins on their phones — including ones that said “Sponsored by: Cardi’s Furniture.” But that’s what phones do to people, I guess.)

Now that I’ve clued you in to this new pumpkin craze, you really should check out the Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular if you’re within pumpkin seed spitting distance.

I mean, what a gold mine of ideas — just in case you decide to try your hand at carving a Jack-o-Lantern yourself one day.

After you’ve mastered those triangle eyes, you might even feel savvy enough to take it to the next level.

If so, might I suggest…a castle?

I didn’t steal these pictures off the Interweb. Somebody actually carved these for that Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular. For reals.

Or Elsa?

Or even more exquisite — how about Tom Brady in pumpkin form?

Just some ideas to ponder for next year.

It’s my gift to you this Halloween.

You’re welcome.

AND thank you — for reading and putting up with all my complete and utter nonsense all month long. I’m not sure you can say the same, but I’ve had fun.

Tonight, you might want to look into an activity I hear all the cool kids are doing. It’s called “Trick or Treating” or something like that…

(Finger on the pulse.)

A Happy Happy Halloween to you from Tales from the Crib!

May your pumpkin patch truly be the most sincere.

Day 29 – For a Good Time, Taunt a Furby… (actually, don’t)

October 29, 2014October 29, 2014 / DeeDeeFilly / Leave a comment

I take it back.

Don’t do that. Never, ever do that.

Furbies are modern-day Annabelle dolls; they turn evil.

Did anyone ever tell you that? Because no one ever told me…until it was too late.

So consider yourself warned, dear unsuspecting parent who only wants to give your child the delights of her young heart. Hear this and hear this well.

Furbies are the devil’s spawn.

It seemed right to tell you this at Halloween — before you fall prey to the Christmas marketing machine and allow one of these battery-powered dementors into your home.

Here’s Lucy with her Furby one year ago.

They seemed so happy then.

Okay, the Furby still looks freakish with eyes that glow death. But trust me. This thing giggled a lot. SO MUCH. To the point you wanted to hurl it across the room.

Which might actually have happened. I can’t be sure, but let’s just say there were rowdy boy cousins involved. There was much shaking of the Furby, a good bit of poking, maybe a smidge of mockery.

All I know is, one minute Furby was all hearts and flowers. The next minute Lucy is running to me in terror, crying, “Why is Furby talking like that?? You need to take it back and get me a new one!”

A deep voice was emanating from the Furby now, its eyes slitty and angry. “Stop doing that,” road-rage truck-stop Furby was saying over and over, all cranky and hung-over and skeevy.

It was oddly terrifying, as if we were looking straight into the murderous eyes of Chuckie.

Please forgive my French (as if the French even say this), but WHAT. THE. HELL.

This is a toy. For little kids. That I paid actual money for. And it was quite literally possessed.

Quick as a flash, I googled “weird voice Furby.” And all these discussions popped up about the secret life of Furby that I never knew.

Furby apparently has MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES – everything from Valley girl to country cowboy to evil entity.

One Amazon reviewer shared that her only way out of this torment was to coo and pet and talk sweet to the Furby (all while it hurled insults at her) until the mechanical demon was exorcised.

So there I sat. Stroking a weird furry machine on my lap and begging it in my sweetest voice to”get behind me, Satan.” The grandparents stared at me, agape.

After the longest, most ridiculous ten minutes of my life, a full-body shudder wracked our little demon-possessed furball.

It had been released.

I’m pretty sure Lucy never played with it again.

So here Furby sits on Lucy’s shelf.

This is all it does ever.

(And believe me, it’s only still here because of Lucy’s extreme hoarding tendencies.)

There are books behind Furby that we sometimes try to reach. But we are careful to nudge Furby only ever so slightly in the process.

We do not want to rouse the beast.

So on Day 29 of my 31 Days of Fun Stuff for Families, might I suggest never, ever getting a Furby? Not having an evil toy that talks to your child like a creep with lollipops in a conversion van is lots more fun than having a toy that does. Trust me on this.

Just get Tickle-Me-Elmo and call it a day. Your ears -and your child’s tender psyche- will thank me for it.

P.S. I’d love to hear your weirdo Furby stories! I know I’m not alone in this. Maybe we could form a Furby support group…